Parade Of Horrorables

Simon Bar "Cinema" 3

2012-01-31T00:03:00.001-05:00

Does reviewing movies on this silly blog count as work release?

Alright you ninnies! Sadly, I am never asked to review "The Great Bikini Off Road Adventure" or "The Bikini Car Wash" or "The Bikini Atoll!" These are films I might actually watch! Instead, I can only watch modern trash -- like in this installment -- something called "The Gray." Something which I have absolutely no intention of watching!

Now, I know this color. It's a good color ... the color of steel. Something I've made many a death cannon out of, and the color of the smear that will be left of Underdog after I hit him with the beam!

Gray is also the color of cement, the cement I shall encase Underdog's dripping gray corpse in when I throw him into the dark, gray depths of the ocean!

That, or more likely, the color of the outer ring of the black eye Underdog will hand me. Being a scientist, I predict the probability of that being within 99.9%.

Gray is now, also, the color of my mood.

Big Brain Wonder Woman Solves Problems

2012-01-30T00:33:00.000-05:00

Greetings, puny-brained un-evolved mortals!

With my gigantic brain capacity and my tremendous mental powers, there is no problem I can not solve. I can compute the gravity of black holes. I can discover the true secrets of dark matter. I can plumb the depths of eternity and answer the questions of life and death.

There is only one thing that befuddles my vast knowledge.

I can not, for the life of me, find a tiara that fits!

FangFace Needs a Favor, and Quick!

2012-01-27T00:02:00.001-05:00

Howl-wooooo!

Hey, FangFace here. I hate to be a bother, but is it possible I could hide somewhere in your house? Is there a loose board somewhere? In a closet? Anywhere? I'll even take room under your bed, but please, oh please not on top of it!

Woofy! Woofy! Oh woofy, come here and let's put that slobbering maw to good use!

You didn't see me, I wasn't here!

How much are tickets to Brazil?

Monster Squad Hears Some News

2012-01-26T00:05:00.000-05:00

You're following "Far Out Space Nuts".

Vhat??

Mr. Peevly's Blog Update

2012-01-25T00:19:00.000-05:00

Mr. Peevly, with a blog update.

It seems the hits on specific posts double whenever the content is about some weird woman named Teela --- from 2 hits to 4! For this blog, that's an avalanche of biblical proportions!

Who is she? Is she some sort of strange post-apocalyptic warrior women?

What?

He-man?

Why would I ever watch a show called He-man? I have a mirror and it's much cheaper then cable!

Honestly, I just think this blog should try to ...

Hey! What's going on over here? All this talk of "hits" got me thinking of getting, you know ... more comfortable ...

No shame. Hits, but no shame.

A Design Oversight

2012-01-24T23:57:00.000-05:00

Boss, how are we going to get all this gold out of the country?

We are going to form the gold into a giant ... well, mammoth, really, car! Then we'll drive that car in an race -- a race which we will use as cover to sneak the gold out of the country!

It's genius! I have one question, though ... have you thought about monkey proofing?

What? No, we have not monkey proofed the car. What possible reason would anybody monkey proof anything?

Better to be safe then sorry!

Eeek!

Next time listen to me!

The Return of the Cursed Spook

2012-01-23T00:12:00.000-05:00

You dare return to my eerie crypt of darkness?

Has your earlier torment not been enough? Have you come here begging for this curse to be lifted? Shall I grant this boon? Let this be my answer:

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Do you hear my voice? Do you feel the chill of the grave? Your curse continues!

Did your prime rib come back well done when you asked for medium, and then you passive-aggressively arranged your plate to maximize the mess? The curse! Did you hear the opening theme of Sweet Child o' Mine, only to find out it's the Sheryl Crow version? The curse! Did you reach into your wallet to pull out a $20 bill and instead pulled out the gummy remains of a melted candy? The ... actually, that's kind of harsh ... CURSE!

Continue to suffer the curse of the mildly inconvenienced!

Consoling Shadow Weaver

2012-01-21T01:17:00.000-05:00

I don't know what to do, I need the job ...

... but that Hordak treats me like a piece of meat!

It's alright dear, things will work out! I mean, look at me! I am forced to show my radiant face to the world full of barbarians clamoring to date me! Beauty like mine, hardly ever seen in this universe, is an incredible burden! It weighs heavily on my gorgeous shoulders as I choose what barbarian or wizard will pay for dinner in an exclusive post-apocalyptic restaurant tonight!

Not helping!

An Anti-Genetic Engineering Argument

2012-01-20T00:11:00.000-05:00

From ... 1930s something ...

Good lord above and dark one below, what am I?

A fox mouse?
A bat dog?
A glove wearing monstrosity?
A sign you should stop taking PCP before getting on a street car?

"We'll show those guys at Disney a thing or two, but we have to make sure they can't sue us, so close, but not close enough!"

Hordak Supports SOPA!

2012-01-19T00:14:00.000-05:00

Ha ha, you internet weenies!

It is I, the evil Hordak, and supporter of the SOPA! You think your protests mean anything? They mean absolutely nothing to me and even less to a lot of rich companies with a lot of money! I've been paid enough money to keep this blog running that I can finally get Shadow Weaver those acne treatments she's been begging me for!

I mean, with that body, who'd look at the face, anyway? Right? Right! Agree with Hordak!

Somebody is either getting sued for discrimination or a certain female employee is going to cast a spell to turn their hands into scorpions the moment they start "thinking" about my body ...

Those crazy chicks! Am I right? RIGHT???

Anyway, I shall keep this blog alive while all others go dark! My hideous laugh is all that you shall ...

(whisper)

What?

Yesterday???

Look, the calendar's not my strong point. Get hit on the head enough with a power sword and see how well you remember what day it is!

A Pro-Genetic Engineering Argument

2012-01-18T09:10:00.000-05:00

1930's Cartoon Cow here.

My Pro-Genetic Engineering Argument?

The very handy rubber legs and reversible hooves.

Also, I'm rockin' the dress and glasses!

Skeleton's Frolic

2012-01-17T23:32:00.000-05:00

Now, from Skeleton's Frolic, here's ... a cat!

... and a bat!

... and a owl!

... and a skeleton!

Hey! Not funny! Not funny at all!

More Criswell Predicts

2012-01-16T00:13:00.000-05:00

Criswell predicts the future, which is important, because the future is where all of us will live ... in the future!

In times far ahead, men will no longer woo women with flowers and candy, but with a trained, genetically-engineered, bellowing flower-candy bear! If the woman does not like the suitor, the bear shall turn on him and eat him whole!

In days to come, index cards will actually be indexed!

Soon, we will no longer require cars as the "rocket racer" roller-skating technology predicts in the 70s Spider-man comic books is finally invented!

In times ahead, squirrels shall evolve to be 15 feet tall. They will not take kindly to anti-squirrel bird feeder technology and will go completely mental if they see one of those crazy corn feeders that spin the squirrels around. Many old ladies will pay dearly for their amusement!

In the future, certain actors promise to stop showing up to work drunk. Cross my heart!

Also, certainly smarty-pants blog authors might get a punch in the snout.

In the future, the only remaining sweet drink flavor shall be a nice blend of apples and oranges ... after being squeezed through a radioactive future mutant!

The future!

Teela has a Revelation

2012-01-15T12:58:00.000-05:00

I was thinking ...

Prince Adam has a big green and orange cat.

He-man has a big green and orange cat.

Hold on! Wait ... a ... minute ....

Yes????

Where's everybody getting their big green and orange cats? I want one too!

Mr. Jinks Still Complaining

2012-01-14T00:31:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so, like, here we are again!

This one is, like, an important topic and we should all, be, ya know, paying attention. You paying attention? OK, good. Ya see, I ...

That's it! This has gone on way too long. You just use this space complain in that annoying "this is what hippies must sound like" voice. A voice, I suspect, was created by somebody who the closest he got to hippies was when he mistakenly caught an episode of the Mod Squad on TV.

On top of that, you use the space to impugn the good old fashioned racism of ancient cartoons! I will not have it on this blog!

... uh, but ... ya know ... like ...

Do I need to remind you what happened to the Hair Bear Bunch? Do you want to see my Square Bear rug? My Bubi Bear pillow case? Or find out exactly what happened to Hair Bear? Let's say he lives on in various extensions worn by LA women.

... so, like, I guess my complaint is there isn't enough , ya know, refreshments for our hard work blog cops!

Yikes!

Ariel's Relationship Advice to the Lonely

2012-01-13T00:34:00.001-05:00

Ariel here ... with some advice for the lonely.

Are you having a hard time finding a man? I have some sure-fire tips for all the lonely ladies out there. Just follow these few simple steps:

Be a princess
Be hot
Wait for the apocalypse
Get saved by a barbarian

Having magic powers helps, but is not required. Having a mok around helps too, just for that "hot girl with ugly ~~girl~~ Chewbaca rip-off" thing.

Downsides? Barbarians would rather put evil wizards to the sun sword then snuggle on the couch and watch Project Runway (Apocalypse Edition.) Or hang out with their mok. One of these days I'm going to cast a spell to turn that flea-bitten Ookla into a throw rug!

So, that's it ladies! Well, I'm off to kill some werewolves or an ancient war machine re-animated by an evil wizard. Not exactly diner and a movie. *sigh*

Simon Bar "Cinema" 2

2012-01-12T00:19:00.000-05:00

Again? Really. The joke wasn't that good the first time, but with Underdog smashing my giant mechanic go-go gophers (a twofer of evil!) I've got some time.

This time I've reviewing TinTin. Obviously, I'm currently in the hospital. A giant steel robotic gopher head landed on me, so I'm not going to be seeing any movies. I wouldn't anyway, but this time I actually have an excuse.

Shocked, right? You people never want to think about the aftermath of Underdog smashing through a gigantic robot gopher, do you? Well, let me tell you: the aftermath is fifty tons of screaming metal landing on the noggin of a bad Boris Karloff imitation!

So, TinTin. A good metal, for sure. I've build many a death ray out of it. Thought about building the go-go-not-a-good-ideal-gophers out of it, but have you seen the price of tin lately? Recycled aluminum was a better bet, and lighter too. My spleen is certainly happy about that!

Now, get lost, I have recuperating and plotting to do!

TrapJaw's Simple Winter Message

2012-01-11T00:06:00.000-05:00

Remember "A Christmas Story?"

Yeah, I love that film too. Remember the part where the kid gets his tongue stuck to the pole? I know, great moment. We all love that. Beastman wouldn't stop talking about in the corporate break room. Funny. Ha ha. Funny.

Please note that I basically have a piece of metal welded to my face. My tongue rests there. 24-7. Frozen in a block of bitter ice ... like that last piece of chicken you have to carve out of the freezer with a pick. The exact same thing I have to do with my tongue every night!

Not so funny now, is it Beastman?

Are you going to keep laughing, kind of creature-of-the-black-lagoon type guy? What's your name? Whatever. You're just a temp. I'm head accountant. I'll be laughing at you when your time is up, or at least will be after I pour this hot liquid into my jaw to get my tongue unstuck.

Ha ha ha.

Jerks.

Ghoul Fight

2012-01-10T00:14:00.000-05:00

Girls, Girls!

Please, your haircut went out with the hippies ... and it probably smells like somebody set Woodstock on fire.

Really? Really? This from the woman with a 1950's beehive? What's holding that up, popsicle sticks and rubber cement?

You think those faux librarian glasses make you look smart? Too bad those glasses are on a face with a chin that's used to test jet landings!

You leave me no alternative ... would you like me to mention the movie those clips come from? The joking werewolf and mummy duo? Criswell's cue card catastrophe? The dancers???

.... touche.

The Plan Comes Together

2012-01-09T00:54:00.000-05:00

Boris and Natasha here ...

Natasha, did you hear about this blog?

No, darlink, is mooske and squirrel involved?

No, no, my little Russia Fatale! This blog's main referrer is a Russian link referral spam porn site!

Ah, darlink! Our plan comes together!

Savoire Faire's Business Proposition

2012-01-08T00:54:00.000-05:00

Savoire Faire -- I'm everywhere -- with a business proposition.

My brother, Favoire Saire -- totally not a made up name -- has gotten very sick. He had a very bad flowbee accident ... his hair will never be the same ... and his vacuum cleaner isn't doing so well either! I desperately need money for his hair transplant, but my bank accounts are all tied up by that Klondike Kat of the insufferable mounties!

I need 20 thousand dollars, pronto! If you can loan it to me, in exchange, I will pay you back twice that when my funds are unfrozen. This should happen conveniently right after the operation is complete and/or your check clears and/or I disappear into the frozen north.

All I need to accomplish this is:

You bank routing numbers
Any and all passwords you have
A list of which windows and/or doors in your house don't lock properly
Is that real silverware or the fake stuff?

Thank you for helping out in my time of need!

Girl's Night Out

2012-01-07T00:14:00.000-05:00

Shhhh! Orko here ...

Just spying on the hot ladies of Eternia as they have a pajama party!

***

So, for a million dollars, would you sleep with Grizzlor?

What? Ew, no!

He smells like a wet dog wrapped in a moldy rug, I know, I have to sit next to him at our weekly evil conference.

What about Buzz-Off?

Are you nuts?

I already did. For free.

What? Yuck!

Hey, it's tedious waiting for Skeletor to come up with another sure-to-fail-overly-convoluted scheme! I was bored, and at least he's not Orko!

OK, yeah, you got us there.

***

The Cursed Spook Speaks

2012-01-06T00:04:00.000-05:00

Boo!

Ha, foolish mortal!

You have looked upon my evil visage! This means that you are forever more cursed!

How shall you continue to live? Shall you beg for the sweet release of death? It shall not be granted! Every time you can't open that lid of peanut butter? The curse! Your cat pulls a thread from your sweater! The curse! You sit through another episode of Man v Food, forced to watch that guy sweat off a gallon of water that looks suspiciously like gravy? The curse ... or ... well, maybe there just wasn't anything else good on.

Ha ha ha!

Suffer the curse of the mildly inconvenienced!

Your New Blog Cop

2012-01-05T01:05:00.000-05:00

Mr. Peevly, reporting for duty.

As the Hair Bear Bunch was euthanized for being rabid -- and I should point out that it was called in by an anonymous tipster -- one that was in no way connected to the zoo but I was told was an incredibly handsome man -- I need to find a new job.

So, I've installed my self as the police force of this blog. We'll have no more tomfoolery, no more monkeyshines or shenanigans, and absolutely no go-go-gophering!

None of these "memes" the kids keep talking about. None of these Rule 34s, which, and I think we can all agree, should apply to me if it applies to anybody. This whole internet thing is going to go the way of hoola-hoop and mood rings, mark my words, so I want a good, clean, bear-free blog here until the last light is turned off.

Remember, I have the euthanize folks on speed dial.

Don't temp me.

Carry on now!

Hermey Would Like a Word with You

2012-01-04T00:17:00.000-05:00

Hermey here.

I've been told my original post has the lowest view count of all the posts on this blog. It seems there are people that think it wise to read posts from a bland giant monster from Marvel's Shogun Warriors comic of the late 1970s then a post from a #$!%@%! institution like HERMEY.

Ahem.

It seems some people aren't very fond of their teeth. It seems some people get all misty in the eyes with the desire to have ... somebody ... drop a giant bolder on their head. It seems, and correct me if I'm wrong, that some people even want to have themselves held down by a smelly faux-French peppermint miner while I, er, I mean somebody, extracts ... slowly ... each and every one of their teeth.

Think about hearing the "clang" as that somebody release his pliers and each of your teeth clatter into a steel pan.

Think about eating oatmeal the rest of your life.

Let's all think about getting my post count up.

Rosemary's Still Angry

2012-01-03T23:22:00.000-05:00

Rosemary here, #1 Hong Kong Phooey Fan and #1 Internet Hater.

I can't get over this! What will Hong Kong Phooey think? What will Underdog think, or even Ready from Ruff and Ready? What about that dog from Tom and Jerry, the one that nobody knows his name? Will any dog take me seriously after a bunch of perverted internet artists and google image ruined my life?

Rule 34 sucks!

Tell me about it ... and I caught Ookla searching for my name in google image! I'm a princess, damn it, a princess! I deserve better! It can't get any worse than this!

I know it sisters, I know it!

Hmmm ... ( type ... type ... type )

( type ... type ... type )

Eeew!

Zombie Seeks Man

2012-01-02T00:19:00.000-05:00

Brainssssssssss!

SGFZ (Single Gray Female Zombie) seeks living man.

I'm looking for a man who will take me for long walks on the beach and is chivalrous enough to chase the crabs that scurry off with the toes I leave behind. One who likes to snuggle, but not hard enough to squeeze the gelatinous puss out of the gaping holes in my decaying skin. One who wants to plant gentle kisses on my nose socket.

Men who want me just for my body need not apply!

Likes? Brianssssssss
Dislikes: Men who run
Last Book Read: Four Color Fear
Last Movie: Brainssss! Brains make the pain go awwwwaaaayyyyy!

Another Ruined New Year's Eve

2012-01-01T00:38:00.000-05:00

Sigh ....

Friggel-Fraggle-Gaggle-Smagel locked doors!

I lose more hunks that way!

Red Hot Riding Hood's Grandma's New Year Resolution

2011-12-31T00:01:00.000-05:00

Grandma's back for some more lovin!

New Year's Eve! Where I'm free to kiss anybody I can between 12:00 and 12:01, all without the normal involvement of cops, courts, restraining orders, and fire hoses!

They say that New Year's Eve is when the old man leaves and the young child enters; we'll, this old bird's not leaving and is as spry as ever! There might be snow on top but the fire below is still hot!

So, for any of you hunks of wolf man-meat out there, here's my resolutions for the new year:

Wolves
More Wolves
Hair color or Brazilian?
Even More Wolves!

The best thing about the New Year? Packed rooms make it hard for men to run away!

Mr. Jinks Amends His Last Complaint

2011-12-30T01:07:00.000-05:00

So, like, um, I'm back. Again.

I think I was, like, too hasty or something on that last post. I shouldn't let this blog get off, ya know, lite or nothing for letting other B-grade cartoon characters, uh, like, fade away.

Like, not every character has some, um, ya know, racist stuff in them. Not at all. I know, like, there's other characters in the Underdog universe that can be used. I'm pretty sure they, like, need the work.

Who wants some work?

...

Oh, like, forget it! Yeesh!

Mr. Jinks has Another Complaint

2011-12-29T00:05:00.000-05:00

So, like, um, I'm back.

Ya know, I was just, like, reading the last blog post and, like, how come Simon Bar Sinister gets a hosting job and nobody else from those cartoons do?

Like, what about, um, Go-Go Gophers? Why not them? What's wrong with, like, the Go-Go Gophers, ya know?

Hunh ...

Not, like, the most sensitive portrayal ...

Like, pretend I didn't say anything. Ya know, no complaints today!

Simon Bar "Cinema"

2011-12-28T23:35:00.000-05:00

Simon Bar Sinister here, with another apathetic movie review.

I've got a lot of important things to do -- destroying the world, jamming my boot up Underdog's butt, and crackling madly. I don't really have the time to write content on this nickle-and-dime blog. Gumba, though, who is next in line to taste the bite of my death ray, demands that I write a movie review.

Fine.

I'll review Batman: The Dark Knight Rises.

I haven't seen it. Won't see it. Haven't even watched the trailer. I do not have the time to watch some strange medieval epic where knights rise up -- from what, bed? -- to fight men riding bats. While I know most movie goers are not physicists -- unlike myself -- I think it would be hard for even those nitwits to think a bat could carry a grown man.

And this all happens in the dark? Didn't the knights just get up from bed? This movie gives me a headache and that is a "pleasure" usually reserved for Polly Purebred's endless journalistic questions! Well played, strange knight/bat movie. Well played.

You are now 3rd on my list for the death ray.

Rosemary's Internet Lesson

2011-12-27T23:20:00.000-05:00

Rosemary here, #1 Hong Kong Phooey Fan!

When Gumba asked me to be a host on this blog, I knew I'd need a picture, so I did what anybody else would do and did a google image search on "Rosemary Hong Kong Phooey."

Er .... WHAT????

Rule 34.

Never fails.

The Internet: a Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy.

Criswell Predicts

2011-12-26T00:41:00.000-05:00

Criswell, seer of all, reports from the distance future!

Many years from now, men shall no longer speak, but communicate through snappy show tunes! "Miriam the Librarian" shall mean "Where is the nearest subway?"

There shall be great cities built on Mars .... by space porcupines!

In the future, people will no longer refer to their favorite fast food restaurant by it's real name, but shall instead use special future names, like "Taco Smell" and "Booger King."

In the future, many things we know now will be referred to as "ancient history" .... by space porcupines!

After a time, humans will no longer have a big toe; instead, they will have one enormous toenail shaped exactly like the missing toe!

Rising sea levels will force humanity to grow a new organ that resembles and functions the same as a horse-shaped flotation device!

Computers will no longer be programmed by humans, but will instead be programmed by dogs! The only software that will be writen is:

10 print "snausages"
20 goto 10

Soon, bouffants shall make a comeback ... but only out of back hair ... of space porcupines!

And The Black Ghoul Responds:

Wait, you said you got me this bouffant at the store!

Teela gets a Gift

2011-12-25T00:04:00.000-05:00

Christmas!!! Yes! Gifts for Teela!

Oh ... what's this present ... it's ... hmm.

What about this one? Uh...

... and this one?

Thanks. Thanks everybody. Another Ram-Horn Bra. Just what I wanted.

Really, you think this is comfortable? I don't see the Sorceress having to wear one of these! You're all dead to me. I'm going to kill you all. Including you, Cringer!

Merry @$%!#! Christmas!

Hand of Five's Christmas Song

2011-12-24T23:51:00.000-05:00

Hand of Five, creation of the evil Doctor Demonicus, here to entertain you!

Most people only think of me as lab-created giant monster designed to take on the Shogun Warriors, but let me tell you, my first love was always with singing. I have a song in my heart ... and the Shogun Warriors in my death grip. But mostly a song.

Hum along with me!

We wish you a Merry Christmas!
We wish you a Merry Christmas!
We wish you a Merry Christmas!
And a populace cow-er-ing in fear!

Hot lasers for Shoguns
From detachable heads
How do you like my buzzsaw
You soon will be dead!

Combatra's a wuss
That much is clear
Shoguns on a junk heap
and a Happy New Year!

One final note. You might have destroyed me, but Shogun Warriors lasted for 20 issues. ROM lasted for 75, plus 4 annuals. Eat that, Shogun Warriors!

Greta Ghoul's Dark Christmas Tree

2011-12-23T00:07:00.000-05:00

Greta Ghoul, your mistress of evil, with steps to making your own dark Christmas tree.

First, find yourself a tree that was infused with the blood of druids. Do not make the mistake of asking the guy in the small mobile home -- with the lights strung out on poles -- which of his inventory is infused with druid blood. He will call the police, or possibly that meddler Cool McCool.

If you can't find a tree infused with the blood of druids (and believe me, it's not as easy as it sounds,) then you can substitute any old tree covered with corn syrup and red food coloring.

Next you need the eye of a cursed demon bat-snake, who goes by the name By-Tor. OK, yes, I know. Look, it's hard enough getting through this so yes, yes I know. Neil Peart stole that from me. He can put those sticks and his gong where the sun don't shine!

Again, if you need to substitute, you can always get one of those bubble gum eyes out of a vending machine. The forces of evil are pretty lax in the exact ingredients department.

Next, hang up some nice lights and garland. Even the dark ones love pretty flashing lights!

Finally, set the whole thing on fire. Hell fire, only. OK, you can use regular fire ... or that effect they use in Pirates of the Caribbean ride ... or that yule log video ... or just make a crackling noise with some paper. Really, it's the evil thought that counts.

Mr. Jinks has a Complaint

2011-12-22T22:26:00.000-05:00

So like, um, yeah, Mr Jinks here.

Yeah, I've got a complaint. It's like, I'm glad I have a job and all. I mean, obviously, I like the job, almost as much as I, uh, seem to like the word "like".

But, you think, in the holiday spirit, Hanna Barbera might have spent like, a little extra, or, uh, something, on the show. I know they had to like, pay me, and like pay Pixie and Dixie, but, like, ya know ...

OK, like, here's an example. That dog that I always seem to fall into the jaws of whenever I'm hatin' them meeces to pieces?

His sound effect is a guy going "arf."

What, am I to, like, assume that none of the hundreds of people at Hanna Barbera had a dog? They just, like, ya know, pulled in the janitor and said "bark for us" and he said "arf" and then sound guy said "maybe we should do another take" and then everybody just laughed and went out for wings?

I'm sorry, it's like, uh, this gets me down, ya know? It's hard enough knowing they spent only 10 seconds coming up with, like, my verbal ticks.

"What should we do?"
"How about cliche stoner? That'll teach those jerks at Ruby-Spears!"

Thanks guys, really, I mean, like thanks. I'm now the furry version of Shaggy. I'm glad Funky Phantom wasn't a hit!

Ya know, like, it could be worse ... at least my name isn't Pixie.

Red Hot Riding Hood's Grandma's Thoughts on the Holidays

2011-12-21T20:39:00.000-05:00

Hot Dog, a Wolf!

Let Grandma tell you what she loves about the Holidays! Sit down on my lap, and ... no, not you! Get lost you little brat, I mean that handsome hunk of meat that's your dad! Yeah, slide that hot tuckus onto Grandma's knee!

One of my favorite parts is all the great songs and lyrics! Like Merry Christmas! Like Deck the Halls! Like "Once you go gray, you can't stay away!"

Yes, that's an actual lyric. It's in "Here comes Santa Claus" somewhere! La la ... Santa Lane ... stay away ... fa la ... just trust me on this.

Another of my favorite things is unwrapping presents. I'll bet there are some things you can think of that need to be unwrapped! What's insides might not be new but it's certainly well worn and comfortable!

My favorite of all has to be mistletoe ... which, well, how surprising ... seems to be right over us now ...

... run along you little snot nosed gremlins, Grandma's got some tinsel to hang on the tree!

Hermey's Thoughts on the Holiday Season

2011-12-20T17:48:00.000-05:00

Hermey here.

So you want to know my thoughts on the holiday season?

How about instead I tell you a story. In the frozen, deadly landscapes of the north, there lives a beast. A Yeti, by the name of Bumble. Bumble is composed of three things: teeth, claws, and blood-fueled fury. Many have seen this creature. Few have survived.

Bumble shrugs off bullets as you would the rain; Bumble outweighs me by 25 to 1, and is the same in his stature. Mountains shake and avalanches roll when he roars. He eats reindeer whole; no buck is any threat to him, a doe even less so. He is the top of the food chain in at the North Pole, all fear hearing his fearful howling, for it is a sign you will be his next victim.

I should mention one more thing about this spawn of the blackest hell ... I pulled out every one of it's teeth and made it my bitch. It now hangs festive ornaments for me.

So, you still want to bother Hermey with questions? That's what I thought.

Move along now.

TrapJaw's Thoughts on the Holiday Season

2011-12-19T00:18:00.000-05:00

Hey, TrapJaw here.

It's not often I have guests, and it's even less often that they desire to know my thoughts on the Holiday season. It's not like I'm not a courteous host; it's not like I haven't laid out a fine spread of Christmas candy, though, admittedly, most of it is smashed as it's relatively difficult putting out candy with a hook for a hand!

I'm not bitter, far from it. I don't have time to be bitter through the intense pain that rips through my head for every moment of my existence. What, was that too dark? Well, excuse me for having a steel trap welded to my jaw!

Wait, don't go! The holidays ... let me think ... the holidays. My thoughts on them. Well, the holidays are a time for giving gifts. What could I want? What would be a good gift? Hmmm ... how about ... Please -- for the love of all that is good in this world -- fix my jaw! I feel like a very clumsy tattoo artists left his tattoo gun on high and in my lower mandible!

No, I'm sorry! Please, you don't understand! I have a hook, I have a trap jaw, and I have never ending waves of intense, crippling pain!

Fine. Whatever. Leave. Screw you -- I was making pastries, and you don't get any. More for BeastMan and I!